Get to Know: Jo A. Henry

— by Jo A. Henry, MA, Intern

Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern #IMF 73203

---

1. How would your friends describe you?

My serious side: kind, forgiving, loving, caring, positive, giving, and compassionate
My casual side: gullible, fun / playful, silly, a lover of laughter, and a little spacy (at times)

2. Why did you want to become a therapist?

In my first years of marriage (it has now been 43 years), I went to a counselor whose wisdom helped and had a profound impact on my life. Since then I have sought out learning opportunities to become a people helper. The Lord used me for many years as a lay counselor: helping women in crisis pregnancies, helping teen girls struggling emotionally; and helping people in addiction toward recovery (even though I’m a “normy”). As a “late bloomer” God recently opened the door for continued education receiving my master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy. I consider being a therapist more than just a job; I consider being a therapist my calling from God with years of on the job training.

3. What's your favorite author and book?

“SOOOO many books & SOOOO little time” – I inherited my mother’s vast library of books. When people see them they ask if I’ve read them all. I usually say “they have all been read, just not all by me”. Suffice it to say; with such a rich collection I cannot narrow my preference down to one book or one author. Some of my favorite authors are: (Classic Authors) J. I. Packer, C. S. Lewis, J. Vernon McGee, A. W. Tozer, D. L. Moody, Andrew Murray, Paul Tournier, Adrian Rogers; (Contemporary Authors) Charles Swindoll, David Jeremiah, John Piper, Larry Crabb, Gary Collins, Henri Nouwen, and Philip Yancey; (IMPACTFUL BOOKS) Dietrich Bonhoeffer –The Cost of Discipleship; Charles Finney – Holy Spirit Revivals; Roy Hession – The Calvary Road; Brother Lawrence – The practice of the presence of God; Michael Yaconelli – Messy Spirituality; H. Norman Wright – Experiencing Grief; John Gottman – Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child; Irvin Yalom – The Gift of Therapy; and Robert McGee – The Search for Significance

4. Describe your perfect day.

On a perfect day I will wake up rested. I will spend time reading God’s Word and time in prayer. On a perfect day I will purposefully take time to eat, breathe deeply, and walk. On a perfect day I will accomplish the day’s plans including both tasks and something of eternal value. I will end my day reconnecting with my best friend (my husband – I don’t have a dog).

5. My favorite recreational activities are . . . 

I love spending time with my family. No matter how busy I am, I will always stop and take time when one of my kids or grandkids wants to spend time with me. Other activities that excite and/or sooth my soul include reading; my love of photography – taking pictures while watching sunsets, sunrises, humming birds and bees; while sitting at the beach watching, listening to and photographing the waves. AND – I love going on spontaneous “dates” with my hubby. Oh, and did I say reading?

Generosity in July

— by Mary Beth Difley, CER Board Member

---

As all of you probably know nonprofits, including Center for Enriching Relationships (CER) have a financial struggle during the summer months. Typically, donations are down, yet clients who are in need of counseling, and the needs of the organization continue. So, the bottom line is that CER is in need of your financial support. We are asking you to financially support CER on a monthly basis or with a one-time gift. You can do this at www.cersandiego.org or on the CER Face Book page. You can also send your donation to 2525 Camino del Rio, Suite 315, San Diego, CA 92108 or call (619) 858-3105 and ask for Denise. We need to replenish CER’s scholarship/co-pay fund for the underserved clients throughout San Diego County. Watch the video to find out about CER and how we serve the local community.

We recently reviewed an article printed in Hillsdale College’s Imprimus publication. The article is taken from a talk by Karl Zinsmeister, who is the Vice President for publications at the Philanthropy Roundtable. His comments and interesting facts should spur us all on to give more to private non-profits.

“Our nonprofit sector now comprises eleven percent of the total United States workforce. It will contribute around six percent of gross domestic product this year. To put this in perspective, the charitable sector passed the national defense sector in size in 1993, and it continues to grow. So philanthropy is clearly a huge force in our society.”

“Only 14 percent of charitable giving in our country comes from foundations, and only five percent from corporations. The rest comes from individuals, and the bulk of it comes from small givers …” How does private philanthropy compare to government funding? Private philanthropy “is superior in its ability to be individual and pluralistic. As Mother Teresa used to say, ‘I never think in terms of a crowd, but of individual persons.’ Government programs, by necessity, focus on the crowd…but one-size- fits-all standardization is not really how humans thrive.” CER exists to serve individual and family needs!

“We humans are social animals, and we naturally become disturbed and want to help when we see fellow creatures in trouble. Early on, Americans discovered that voluntary action to lift others up is not only possible, it is superior to the kind of state paternalism that diminishes freedom. Private charitable giving and the spirit of volunteerism have been essential bulwarks of the American character, and they remain indispensable to our national success.”

For the complete article: Click Here

The Art of Intimate Marriage

— by Jennifer Konzen, PSY.D., MS, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #51241

---

“Sex is going fine, but we have always wanted our intimacy to be great. We could use some help with how to get there.”

“We love each other, but it is so hard to talk about our sex life.”

“We have a happy marriage, but our intimate life is a source of pain, frustration, and disappointment.”

“We have had some physical challenges that have affected our sex lives, and we don’t know how to overcome them or talk about them.”

“There’s been a lot of damage that’s happened in our marriage, and we’re having a really difficult time being intimate with one another, not just in our sexual relationship, but overall as well.”

Maybe some of these words describe how you’re feeling about your marital sexual relationship. Or maybe you’re just looking for ways to make things more fun! You may be searching for answers. God’s plan for sexual intimacy in marriage is like the work of a Master artist and genuine intimacy is like a beautiful masterpiece. Like a fine artist, creating that kind of beauty in the marital relationship usually takes practice and dedication. Like many of you, we have struggled to create that work of art, to keep our marriage bed pure from anger, sexual sin, unfaithfulness, selfishness, worldliness, resentment, criticalness, and pride (Heb 13:4). There have been so many who have helped us along the way. We each have the opportunity to help one another make sure our marital sexual relationships bring glory to God and that sex is the life-giving joy that God intends it to be.

It’s been said that when sex is good, you might not notice as much how it affects your marital relationship, but when sex is not going well, it can affect how marriage is going significantly. This highlights the importance of dealing with the very real challenges that come up in the sexual relationship. In research and literature, intimacy has been divided into different levels, such as: clichés, facts, opinions, hopes/dreams, feelings, faults/fears/failures, and needs (see Kelly’s The Seven Levels of Intimacy). Most couples do not go below the first three levels.

Researchers found that only 15% of married couples experience these deeper levels of intimacy in their marriage. That leaves the majority of us sharing facts and opinions with our spouse but rarely sharing our fears, hurts, hopes, mistakes, and dreams. Couples are sometimes in danger of becoming like roommates or seeing their marriage disintegrate if they do not learn to stoke the fire in their marriage.

Over the years, we have talked with a lot of married couples in the ministries we have led about their sex lives, both about the fun and joy they are experiencing and the problems that have caused anxiety. Jennifer is also a marriage and family therapist and a sex therapist, so she regularly talks with couples about this part of their relationship. In both of these areas, in our ministry and professional lives, we have found that many couples are having challenges in their sexual relationship, but that the resources for help from a biblical view are scarce. The good news is that God has a beautiful plan for creating and maintaining a great sexual relationship in marriage.

One of the areas about sexuality that can be very confusing for Christians is how to fit God in the picture. For many of us, it seems that thoughts about sexuality have little connection to thoughts about God. Sex is over here on the far right, and God is over here on the far left, and they never interact. Even the two words, God and sex, in the same sentence seem kind of inappropriate. This is even truer for the words sex and Christ. When you think about it, really, Jesus never even had sex, so it seems so inappropriate or even sacrilegious to put sex and Christ in the same sentence, right? For some, part of improving the sexual relationship is a matter of learning God’s view of sex.

When we teach about God’s view of sex, we help couples understand that God designed sexuality in a way that would help us have a deeper knowledge and understanding of Him. Having an intimate knowing of God (John 10:14) helps us have a genuine depth of sexual intimacy in our marriage (Matt 1:25). It is our knowledge of who God is that can then guide and guard our sexuality. This knowledge and understanding of Him keeps us from doing what “ought not to be done” (Rom 1:24-25, 28). Sex, when it happens within marriage as God intended it, can draw us closer to God, closer to each other, and keep us away from the corruption of this world.

When you look at the Scriptures, the words God uses to describe sex include passion, burning, honor, pleasing, satisfying, and intoxicating (Prov 5:18-19, 1 Cor 7:9, 33-34, 1 Thes 4:4, Heb 13:4). God is very sex positive. The Bible shows us how to honor one another in the sexual relationship and how to enjoy the intoxicating pleasure of sexual intimacy. When we look deeply at the descriptions of the sensual relationship between the beloved and the lover in Song of Songs, we find a beautiful, romantic, and erotic picture of what God intends for our marriages.

Things may be going well in this part of your marriage. As a couple, you are a great intimate team. You may just want to explore new ways to deepen that intimacy. For others, you may look at the picture painted in Song of Songs and feel you are starving for that kind of intimacy—hungering for someone to hear you, to really know you, to want you, to touch you. A common refrain we hear is “We just aren’t close,” “My spouse doesn’t understand me,” and “We rarely touch.” As followers of Christ, you may have anticipated marital sexuality to bring great delight, but instead it has brought disappointment and conflict. You may have gone to multiple marriage classes or retreats and walked away feeling hopeless and left out of the picture every time someone taught about the sexual relationship. Our goal is that you may find here some resources to bring about hope and change.

Finding sexual fulfillment starts first with embracing a biblical view of intimacy and sexuality. When we work with couples, we focus on intimacy—the kind of intimacy God intends when two of His children marry. Yes, we teach a lot about sex, but sexual intimacy truly resides within the quality of overall intimacy in marriage. God created us to be intimately connected. In Psalm 139, God expresses His intimate knowledge of us, how He knows our thoughts, discerns when we lay down, and created our innermost parts. God also created us to be intimately connected with others and to enjoy sexual intimacy with our spouse. The reality is that people can have sex and not feel intimate. That is not God’s plan. Like we mentioned, the very words God uses in the Bible for sex connote a deep and intimate knowing of one another. God wants our sexual relationship to be so much more than an obligation. He desires for us to enjoy, to be intoxicated by, to be set on fire by, each other’s love and our sexual time together.

So where do you start when you want to make things better in your intimate relationship? Sometimes it helps to examine your background. There are many different things that can influence how sex is going in your marriage, and there is no question that what we experience in the area of sexuality during childhood and adolescence is a big part of that influence. Different experiences during childhood and adolescence can give us a skewed view of sexuality. These can be experiences such as a lack of openness in the family to talk about sex, lack of touch and affection, harsh, shaming responses to childhood sexual exploration, exposure to dehumanizing or exploitative sexuality (including pornography), harsh attitudes about the body, and sexual violations and abuse. Though understanding how your background is affecting your sex life now doesn’t necessarily fix the problems you are experiencing, it can definitely go a long way toward having a more understanding attitude with yourself, your spouse, and the way you both respond in the sexual relationship.

To improve intimacy, you may also need to examine and grown in your overall intimacy skills in both your emotional connection and your sexual relationship in order to reflect what is found in the Scriptures. This includes deepening your emotional and verbal connection and being intentional about having more fun together. Sexual intimacy has a much better chance of going well and being mutually satisfying when there is a foundation of strong friendship and emotional connection in marriage.

You may also need to find ways to resolve conflict and deepen connection in the midst of conflict. Conflict, when it is done right, can open the door to having that deeper connection in marriage. Learning to share how we are feeling without attacking and earning how to listen with understanding and empathy are cornerstones to good marital and sexual intimacy.

Some couples also need to grow in how to touch and be affectionate with one another. When a couple begins to improve the affection in their marriage, they are then in a much better place to explore sensual and sexual touch, the necessary ingredients to mutually intoxicating sexual satisfaction. Sensual touch and sensual talk is found all throughout Song of Songs. Both the Lover and the Beloved describe each other in sensual, poetic terms. Growing in sensuality has a significant influence on the quality of the sexual relationship.

There are other influences on sexual intimacy. Some couples have been involved in affairs and in using pornography, both of which can have an incredibly painful influence on how sex is going in marriage. It is vital that couples get help and healing with the spiritual, emotional, and relational issues that may be making the sexual relationship difficult. Other couples are dealing with medical challenges that affect sexuality. It is crucial to address the distress that is caused by the very real physical and medical issues that come up in the sex, such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, low sexual desire, sexual pain, difficulties with orgasm, and medical and age-related challenges.

Couples also need to learn practical and creative ways to make their sex life fun, romantic, and exciting. The bible describes the sexual relationship between the lover and his bride with words like flowing water, stream, river, and cistern (Prov 5:18, Songs of Songs 4:15). These moving water analogies help us understand how important it is to have an intentional focus of keeping the sexual relationship refreshed.

So here are a few steps to begin improving your sexual intimacy:

1) Read this article together. Highlight the parts that stand out to you; things you learn, what you feel is a strength in your relationship, what areas you think you could grow in.

2) Talk about your overall relationship first. Start first with having an honest but loving conversation about how it is going in your friendship and closeness. Make sure this conversation does not descend into accusations and blame, or demands and ultimatums. Listen, listen, listen.

3) Make a plan to grow in your relationship. What are the areas you need to change? Do you need to work on your date nights? Do you need to spend more time talking? Do you need more time together doing fun, recreational things together? Do you need to pray more together or share more what you’re learning in your quiet times?

4) Talk about how your touch and affection are doing. This could be a very sticky topic (pun intended), so be gentle in this conversation. What is going well? What isn’t?

5) Talk about how sensual touch is going. Is that only reserved for sex or are you enjoying it at other times? Does it happen much before having sex? How do you both feel about it?

6) Make a plan for spending more time together cuddling and touching sensually. Be intentional about this.

7) Share with each other the memories you have of good times together sexually. Then talk about the areas of your sexual relationship that are not going well. What are the challenges?

8) Make a plan for ways you can improve your sexual intimacy. Who can you talk to about it? What can you read? What scriptural passages should you study? Have you been praying about it? What areas of your relationship do you need to change in order for your sexual relationship to get better?

You might notice that the words talk, share, and conversation were used a lot in the above steps. That is because that is one of the most important places to start. Read the scriptures and learn God’s view of sexuality. Start talking about how things are going. Get another couple involved and share with them what you’re seeing. Pray together and pray specifically about your intimacy. As disciples of Jesus, we have the opportunity to have a deeper understanding of God’s loving heart through being deeply known and erotically bonded with our spouse. What God gives us is a road map to experience growth toward a more rewarding, spiritual sexual relationship.

Tim and Jennifer are the authors of The Art of Intimate Marriage, a Christian Couple’s Guide to Sexual Intimacy, available on Amazon and at theartofintimatemarriage.com. They serve in a married’s ministry in San Diego and they speak internationally. They have been married 23 years and have 4 wonderful children.

Get to Know: Wendy Kaiser

Wendy Kaiser, MA, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
LMFT #83952

---

1. How would your friends describe you?

Genuine, warm, caring, positive, supportive, non-judgmental

2. Why did you want to become a therapist?

I saw the power of psychology to bring healing and hope. With newer approaches there is the opportunity to change not just the way people think, but how they feel. I also saw how the integration of faith in therapy can be powerful and an opportunity to affirm an individual’s God-given worth.

3.What's your favorite author and book? 

Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

4. Describe your perfect day.

Working as a therapist! But if not that… a perfect day might include any of the following: being out in nature on a hike or a bike ride with my family or a friend, sharing a meal with family or friends, playing a game or watching a movie with my family, worshiping God through music with the body of Christ.

5. My favorite recreational activities are . . . 

Much like the description of my perfect day, hiking, bike riding, reading a good book, watching a good movie, sharing conversation with family and friends, praising God through music with other believers.

The Butterfly and the Torture Chamber

— by Petrea Huynh, MA, IMF Registered Intern #90087

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph. D, LMFT, Lic. #MFC 50129

---

There is a suffering inherent in being human. We know this when we grieve the loss of a dear one, when we feel injured or defeated by conflicts within our most beloved relationships, when we taste the mortality of our own flesh, or when our hard work seems to bear little fruit. And the Lord tells us the meaning behind our suffering: “…suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…” (Romans 5:3-4 ESV).

We are like the caterpillar who must break free from her dark cocoon before she may be transformed in Light.  If she were to be ripped from the dark unknown prematurely, she would not have the strength to fly. Without her personal struggle to break free, she would die…for she would lack the endurance necessary to live as a butterfly. She could never have known this in her darkest moment: The suffering inherent in pushing her tiny fragile frame free of the rough cocoon was the most fruitful part of her journey forward.

But the butterfly might lack one quality that would make our journey even more challenging than hers: the power of self-recrimination. Sometimes when humans suffer, even (or maybe especially) those of us of Faith, we approach ourselves with shame, doubt, and blame. Perhaps we believe we are wrong to feel anything other than Love and Joy when we know a Lord such as ours. Or maybe the experiences of pain and struggle produce the interpretation that we have done something terribly wrong.

What would happen if we were to simply embrace the struggle? The Lord promised that "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33 ESV). He has overcome this world so that it might not be our destroyer. He further proclaims, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you” (Isaiah 43:2 ESV). Our Faith in Him, our personal relationship with our Lord, is our greatest weapon. Who could we be, even in our greatest state of human struggle, if we were trade any self-torture devices for that one all-powerful weapon?

Get to Know: Erin Cragin

Erin Cragin, MS, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
#LMFT 84468

---

How would your friends describe you?

My friends would describe me as kind, funny, empathetic, reliable, caring, fun and clumsy.

Why did you want to become a therapist?

Im not really sure when I knew I wanted to become a therapist. I do know that my personal therapy experiences and  life struggles have led me naturally down this path of becoming a therapist.  I had a couple of amazing therapists who, because of their dedication to my wellbeing, influenced who I am today.  Plus, much of my healing and change came when I began helping others so being a therapist was/is a natural fit.  I truly get as much out as I put in. Clients ask me all the time if I get sick of hearing peoples stories and I honestly can say, “no.” I feel blessed and honored to hear the stories and humbled to be a part of the healing. 

What's your favorite author and book?

My favorite Author and book…I have had many favorites at different times in my life often related to where I was in my growth journey. A couple favorite authors are Brennan Manning, Brene Brown, John Cloud & Henry Townsend, Danny Silk and Geneen Roth.  A couple favorite books are Changes That Heal by Henry Cloud, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, Hinds’ Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard and The Shack by Wm. Paul Young.

Describe your perfect day.

My perfect day includes a morning hike with good friends & my dog,  then a scenic drive & lunch with my family where we talk and connect, some kind of self care like massage or gentle yoga, game night with family and takeout.  End evening with whole family watching a movie together on the couch.

My favorite recreational activities are . . . 

My favorite recreational activities are Zumba (I teach it twice/week), hiking and walking with friends, creating Zumba routines, Thrift Store Shopping, watching old sitcoms.

Cracked Pots

— by Jo A. Henry, M.A., MFTI, CADC II, IMF Registered Intern #73203

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

---

CRACKED POTS
A Chinese Fable

A young water bearer in China carries two large pots, each hanging on ends of a pole resting across the back of his neck. One pot is cracked, while the other pot is perfect. Each day as the water bearer comes to the end of his long walk from the stream to his house, the pot with the crack arrives only half full while the perfect pot is perfectly full, delivering a full portion of water.

One beautiful spring day the young water bearer is strolling along the bubbling stream making his daily journey delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house. He notices a look of shame on the cracked pot and hears the downcast discouragement in its bitter complaints to the perfect pot about its perceived failures.

“I am so ashamed of my imperfections and poor performances day after day. I hear the praises, which you deserve, for your accomplishments because you are so perfect. Yet, I become more miserable realizing I will only ever accomplish half of what I am made to do. I will always be a failure.”

As the water bearer listens with compassion, the cracked pot says to the water bearer, "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The water bearer is not alarmed, nor is he endorsing the cracked pot’s perception of its crack as failure. Instead the water bearer says to the pot, "Do you see the flowers growing on only one side of the path? These flowers are on your side of the path on our way home. Do you also see there are no flowers on the other side, the side of the path on which the perfect pot hangs on our way home?” 

The cracked pot is perplexed wondering and asking what this means. The water bearer explains: “I know (and have always known) about your crack. You view the crack in your side as a flaw, a weakness, a failure. I see the crack in your side as an opportunity. I love flowers and I hate wasting water, so every spring I plant seeds along the path and I use your drippings to water the flowers on your side of the road. Every day you are watering these flowers that I use to decorate my table. These beautiful flowers brighten my home because of you and the crack in your side. Without you, I would not have this beauty to grace my house.

---

LESSONS from the CRACKED POT:

 The cracked pot’s view of his crack caused shame and discouragement that led to bitter sadness and a sense of failure and uselessness. This perception was colored with distortion and that distorted color influenced and distorted the pot’s belief system.

We all have unique flaws. We are all cracked pots. Do we believe that our view or our perceptions are facts? Do we view our flaws as failures? Do we give our distorted views influence over our beliefs about our self and about God?  What happens to our view of God or our view of God’s purpose for us when we believe our distorted perceptions?

How do we cracked pots prevent our flawed perceptions from becoming distorted beliefs?

1. FACTS: If facts are truth, then truth is factual.

How do we get down to ‘just the facts’? First we strip away all feelings, beliefs, and distorted views from the facts. This means eliminating all of our assumptions, opinions, and expectations. A true fact is agreed upon by all involved as true. Finding the fact is by far the most difficult task in dispelling false belief and distorted perceptions. We all find it difficult to give up our spin on things, our opinions about a situation, our assumptions especially about people, which are typically negative.

2. PERCEPTIONS: Perception is the lens through which we see life; a lens that colors our view.

Perceptions are not facts. Our perceptions are formed from all of our experiences. Therefore, each person’s perceptions are going to be unique to that person. Our experiences color our view of life in unique colors that make us who we are. However, they also can keep us from seeing things clearly. As we learn the color of our views, we are better able to change those colors. 

3. BELIEFS: Our beliefs are formed by our perceptions (the color of our view, our lens).

If we believe our perceptions are facts, we set ourselves up for error in our thinking. The cracked pot could only see (through its lens) the crack as failure, which influences the belief, “I will only ever … be a failure”.  When our beliefs do not line up with what God says about us, then we need to go back to the simple truth, the facts. The simple fact for the pot: there is a crack in the pot (period). Without the distortions, the fact stands alone without judgement or shame.

4. FEELINGS: Our feelings are fueled by our beliefs on our view of life.

I once heard that feelings are fickle, you can’t trust them. Feelings and emotions are fleeting like the wind. We can hear and feel the wind and sometimes see the influence of the wind, but we cannot catch or control the wind. So it is with our feelings. However, if feelings are fueled by our beliefs and our beliefs by our perception, then change must start with our beliefs and perceptions and feelings will follow.

 5. ACTIONS: Our actions, attitudes, thoughts, and words do not happen in a vacuum.  

What we do (action) is activated by how we feel. Actions are the visible part of the iceberg, with feelings, beliefs, and perceptions leading the way down to the facts, the truth. Most people want to change what is visible; theirs or someone else’s actions. However, our actions are not at the heart of most matters, our perceptions are at the heart. Simple change of our beliefs and perceptions can produce different actions. True and lasting change must get down to the heart of the actions.

FACTS are TRUTH
Facts and Truth are fixed, stable, secure, and unchanging. 
Our view of the facts is what constitutes change.

The FACTS are colored by our PERCEPTION
Our perceptions color the facts; however, perceptions are NOT facts. 
Our perceptions form the lens through which we view our life. 

Our PERCEPTIONS influence our BELIEFS
Our perceptions or lenses are colored or distorted by our experiences. 
Our lenses inform our beliefs. 

Our BELIEFS influence our FEELINGS
Our beliefs are colored or distorted by our lens.
Our beliefs fuel our feelings

AND
Our FEELINGS influence our ACTIONS
Our feelings erupt from our belief system igniting our actions.
Our feelings are catalysts to our actions.

Our ACTIONS are the result of our PERCEPTIONS, BELIEFS, and FEELINGS
First order change is simply changing what we do.
Second order change is in knowing why and knowing how change needs to happen, and then changing.

---

Written by - Jo A. Henry, M.A., MFTI, CADC II
Marriage & Family Therapist Registered Intern (IMF #73203)
Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129; Supervising Therapist
Center for Enriching Relationships, Inc. 619.858.3105

Will Therapy Work for Me?

— by Will Armentrout, MA, IMF Registered Intern #75851

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

---

Before starting therapy, many people ask, "Will therapy work for me?" I believe that therapy can work for almost anyone, as long as four crucial components are in place. The following components are essential to achieving your goals:

1. Our relationship

Numerous studies show that a strong therapist-client connection predicts success in therapy more than the type of therapy used by the therapist. In other words, if we connect, we are likely to do some good work. I will do my best create an environment where you feel safe to express yourself without fear of rejection, judgment or condemnation.

2. Therapy designed for you

I consider you the expert on you. Only you can teach me about yourself and guide me into your world. I will strive to understand your view of the problem, your goals and expectations for therapy, how you think change will occur, and how fast you think the treatment should take. In this way, our work together will be tailored uniquely to you.

3. Your strengths and resources

Unfortunately, we are not always able to see ourselves as clearly or positively when we are struggling. I will help you to rediscover the resources that you have always had but might have overlooked. I will encourage you to consider your spiritual beliefs to discover your spiritual resources.

4. Your commitment

How committed are you to pursue healing? As we work together, I promise to invest my energy, insight, compassion and guidance to help you get what you seek. But I cannot do the work for you. All I ask is that you apply yourself. Change is only possible, if you pursue it. Only you can change you. Without you, nothing can happen.

The Hobbit

— by Kirk Miller, MA, IMF Registered Intern #72447

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

---

Introduction of Cultural issue:

I can’t wait to see the Hobbit!  I mean I really, really can’t wait.  I am known to fall asleep at Transformers movies but I want to be there at midnight to see the Hobbit.  I absolutely love these stories.  I’ve been thinking; why is that?  Then a thought came to me, The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy gives me a picture of what it means to be human.What does it mean to you to be human?  Why are we the way, well, that we are?  You know, messed up, courageous, beautiful and sometimes ugly.  What is the essence of being human?  When I read the Hobbit I am struck with many thoughts but the one that sticks out the most to me is the humanity that is displayed in these hobbits, elves, orcs, wizards and yes even bears!  (Gotta read the book to get the bear reference)

Before I get too far though, let me start with a caveat for all you L.O.T.R. nerds (which I am too), I don’t speak for Tolkien, these are my observations.  Tolkien was clear saying his story was NOT a spiritual allegory or hidden theology.  This theology soup is all my take.  Ok, are you calm now?  Good.

Theological tie:

What Tolkien does best in his amazing stories is tap into the essence of humanity, giving us a picture of ourselves at our best potential and worst.  Here is a definition of humanity that I’ve found to be true in Scripture.  I believe that the constitutional nature of humanity is Spiritual (Matt 10:28), Biological (1 Cor. 15:44) and Psychological (Matt. 22:37).  

Theological Breakdown:

We are spirit, we are physical and we are psychological in our nature.  All three of these aspects create one personality, connected instead of compartmentalized.  All three aspects of humanity are in need to be redeemed together not separately.  That’s why what we do with our bodies effects our spirit as well (1 Cor. 6:16-19).  If I have a physical need my spirit and psyche will need attending to as well.  This is what I love about Bilbo Baggins and really most of the Hobbits, they are fully aware of how their spiritual needs are attached to their physical and psychological needs.  In Fact a picture of our humanity, like in the Hobbit, gives us a picture of who our Creator is, since we are created in his image.  The image of God is something that humans are, not something humans attain; “A key expression is that God made the human in God’s own image and likeness” (Erickson, 1998, p. 518).  It is universal to all humankind and we all equally share in the image with no greater degree than anyone else, the image is the essence of ourselves that allows us to have relationships, free will, and thinking and reflecting as part of us (Erickson, p. 532). The communicable attributes of God which “are those qualities of God for which at least a partial counterpart can be found in His human creations” (Erickson, p. 533) make up the image of God that we all share together.  The implications of the image of God for us are that we are God’s creation (Gen. 9:6) and we belong to Him and we will only truly be human when we align ourselves with God becoming a follower of Jesus (2 Cor. 3:18).  David Benner (2004) describes the concept of self as directly tied to our knowledge of God.  In his book “The Gift of Being Yourself” he quotes John Calvin saying, “There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God” (p. 20).  This points to the fact that we are uniquely tied to God; in scripture he often talks of us being his children speaking again to our connection to Him.  We are designed in God’s image and our humanity reflects His greatness and creativity.  Knowing that each of us are created in the image of God allows me to see each person as special and unique, having insurmountable worth intrinsically.  No one is a mistake; no one is worthless or less valuable because we are all created by the One who has more worth than anything.  Nothing God puts his hands to or creates is bad and nothing He touches could be anything less than amazing.  Also to be human means we are designed for relationship, Seamands (2005) says “To be a person is to be made in the image of God: that is the heart of the matter.  If God is a communion of persons inseparably related, then…it is in our relatedness to others that our being human consists” (Seamands, p. 35).  I recognize that all humanity was created for relationship because we are created by a relational God.    

Cultural tie:

Like most good art, I believe the Hobbit connects to us because it reflects our humanity, the good bad and the ugly.  Tolkien’s genius was to “sub create” (a word he used for his creative works) a story where we can explore what it means to be human and how we relate to our world and others.  I love how art can do that!

Wrap up:

As you go to the movie or read the book try to see how the theology of humanity comes to life in this story.  Even though unintentionally, I believe Tolkien gave us a great theological picture of our humanity to explore.

Share your thoughts.

Integration of Christianity and Psychology

— by William Armentrout, MA, IMF Registered Intern #72447

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

---

Despite what early psychologists, like Freud, and anti-psychology Christians believe, psychology and spirituality are complimentary, not antithetical. Currently, we are seeing a growing realization among therapists, both secular and spiritual, that human spirituality is a source of great strength. Spirituality imparts deeper metaphysical meaning to our lives. Faith shifts our vision from our own shortcomings and weakness and points us to a power much greater than anything we possess. The spiritual component of human experience is recognized as a viable source of inspiration and strength to produce change.

More specifically, more and more Christians recognize that psychological observations illuminate our understanding of human cognition, emotionality and experience. Whereas the Bible gives some very specific instructions on how one might become more emotionally and spiritually healthy, psychology gives us insight into the emotional and mental dynamic of our experience and provides us with tools to enact the Bible’s instructions.  Let me illustrate with a few examples.

Paul instructs Christians to take every thought captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). How, specifically, are we to accomplish this? Studies show that the average person has sixty thousand thoughts go through their mind each day. Cognitive Therapy provides the therapeutic tools to help us become aware of more of these thoughts and to identify our self-limiting beliefs and cognitive distortions so that we might replace them with whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely admirable, excellent and praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). 

In the book of Romans, Paul instructs us to no longer conform to the patterns of this world (Rom 12:1). Psychoanalytic Therapy posits that the patterns that have the greatest impact over our emotions and behavior come from our family of origin. What happens to us in childhood contributes to how we function as adults. Utilizing psychoanalytic therapy can help us gain understanding how our experiences during childhood impact our emotional and relational health and help change these patterns that limit or control our behavior. 

In another part of the book of Romans, Paul encourages us to think of ourselves in a different way, to consider ourselves as dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus (Rom 6:11). In other words, Paul is encouraging us to tell a different story about ourselves, which is one of the core interventions of Narrative Therapy. Narrative therapists encourage clients to see themselves, not as victims or flawed, but as separate from their problems. Paul did exactly the same thing in Romans 7, where he identified sin as something separate from himself (Rom. 7:14-20).

These are just a few examples I have discovered where psychology informs the biblical imperatives. I imagine other connections could be made to other therapeutic modalities. I offer these as clear examples of the complimentary relationship between biblical truth and psychological interventions. If “All truth is God’s truth,” then psychological observation of human emotional and mental processes, and the interventions developed from this observation, can only help us achieve the emotional and relational health we desire and will in no contradict God’s will for our lives.

Balancing Technology with Children

— by Kimberly Nelson, MS, LMFT

---

Recently I was in one of the Pacific Rim Elementary school classrooms when the kids were asked, “what is your favorite thing to do?” A few of the children answered arts and crafts, soccer, skiing, other sports and activities but the majority said that their favorite thing to do was watch TV, play the Wii, play their X-Box or some other electronic device. Did I mention that this was a kindergarten class? My child was one of the many who cited electronic entertainment as the favorite thing to do. I get concerned about my kids getting addicted to the electronic toys of the 21st century. Many parents I talk to also struggle with this issue. Our children are immersed in a technologically driven culture. As parents of school aged kids it is important to balance the use of technology for leisure activities (DS,, PS-3, I-phone to name a few) with the use of our children’s imaginations, physical energy and creativity. This balance is difficult to maintain. While searching for ideas to help my kindergarten twins in this area I compiled a list of suggestions that hopefully will assist other parents.

*Set limits with electronic devices and stick to your limits.
The recommendation for TV/technology used by the American Academy of Pediatrics is typically no more then 1-2 hours a day. When a child doesn’t have limits in this area they tend to over utilize technology leading to weary eyes, headaches, lack of focus and lack of exercise (except with the Wii). Recently my son didn’t listen to me when I told him his electronics time was up. I took away all electronics the next day. He ended up making a fort with is friends, playing freeze dance and wrote about what a great time he had the next day at school.

*Keep the TV set out of kid’s rooms. If the temptation is there to watch TV they will take it. Kids who have televisions in their rooms watch more TV then kids who do not have bedroom TVs. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) currently suggests that "pediatricians recommend to parents that they limit children's total media time (with entertainment media) to no more than 1 to 2 hours of quality programming per day and to remove television sets from children's bedrooms”1

*Encourage creative and imaginative play. Create a file of imaginative and fun activities (many ideas can be found in publications such as the Family Fun magazine) for the kids. When they say “there is nothing to do” have them pick out something from the file to try. If they don’t like the options after looking at three activities they need to come up with their own idea, try it and write it down for the file. This is great for the summer. The Boes’ family, of Vista, have their kids play outside 30 minutes for every 15 minutes of computer/game time. After awhile the kids forget to come in for their technology time because they are having so much fun outside.

*Encourage physical exercise. We started a community play date on our street. At 3:00 p.m. on Fridays the kids all meet in front of the “host house” The mom provides a snack and the kids play. The moms visit while the kids go on the slip-n-slide, bouncy, make things with chalk, have an Easter egg hunt, put together a lemonade stand etc. The only rule is that everyone stays outside. I know of one neighborhood where the kids go in each other’s garages and play but not in the houses unless the parents know each other well. 

*Get your kids involved in extra curricular activities. Sign-up for sports, music, art, ballet etc. Encourage them to pursue the things they love. Expose them to a variety of activities. Help them unwrap their areas of giftedness. 

*Go on a nature walk, to the park or the beach. My kids don’t always want to go but they end up having a great time. One of the kindergarten classes has a Thursday play date right after school at Poinsettia Park. The kids play and get their energy out and have fun.

*Put the kids in charge of dinner (this works well when you have nothing in the pantry). Give them a budget, make a menu, make a list, go to the store, have the kids pay with the money budgeted and supervise while they make it. Kids will be more likely to eat what they helped create.

*Be an informed consumer. There are websites with information on the content in movies(www.pluggedinonline.com) and TV, and games (www.commonsensemedia.org). Kids don’t always watch/play age appropriate things and parents can be aware of the content and help guide them and set the ground rules for shows and games they are allowed to watch/play. 

Many parents of school aged children struggle with the balancing the use of technology and imaginative play. Although the balance is hard to find we can be intentional and help our kids discover many of the exciting ways to use their imaginations and have fun without even turning on a game or TV.

Kimberly Nelson MS, MFT
Kimberly Nelson is a Marriage and Family Therapist and mother of twin kindergarteners who can be reached at 760-434-2370 or knelson@FCSsandiego.com

From Rock Picking to Boundary Setting

— by Jo A. Henry, M.A., MFTI, CADC II, IMF Registered Intern #73203

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

---

The folks living in and around St. Cloud, Minnesota were hard working farmers. When my family lived near St. Cloud we were introduced to an unusual local custom; “rock picking”.

During the long harsh Minnesota winter months the earth was hard and hidden from sight. Although the earth was still hidden at the beginning of spring, there was activity going on just below the snow and ice covered soil. The sun moved into a closer orbit warming the barren landscape, melting the snow into the hard earth beneath, softening the soil, and causing unseen phenomena. Changing the landscape from winter snow, the earth pushed its boulders of all sizes and shapes to the surface.

Enlisting the help of kids released for a week from school, kids and adults walked together hoisting boulder after boulder onto the back of flatbed trucks. Unsure if skipping school was worth all this effort, the kids still helped every year, providing the adults invaluable help. Continuing this back breaking chore, the boulders were removed growing into huge piles so the crops could be planted. The huge piles of rocks were taken to the peripheries of each farm forming rock wall boundaries. Driving through the countryside, the sight of rocks stood out as distinct boundaries between the green knee-high corn stalks.

What can we learn from the farmer and the rock?

Harsh experiences in our lives push our huge boulder sized problems through the soil of our hearts to the surface disturbing and preventing growth and change of seeds planted by God. Removing these boulders alone cannot always be done. We may need “rock picking” help from others. Working together lifting rocks out of the soil and piling them into boundaries protects and provides defense from danger and difficulty.

How can we apply lessons from the boulders to boundaries?

• Recognize the nature of hidden sins. They may be hidden for a season, but they will eventually emerge, chocking our growth and change.

• Admit our need for help. We are stronger together than alone. As we confess our sins and our needs to one another the weight of the burden is lightened.

• God doesn’t waste anything, He uses all our experiences. Building boundaries out of the boulders strengthen our resolve to eliminate that sin from our lives.

The Dip

— by Kimberly Nelson, MS, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #45871

---

Every January is the opportunity for a fresh start and new beginning to hit refresh and motivate. One of my favorite things to do in early January is put together my goals for the year. I’ve been doing this for many years and love to see the progress over the year. Certain goals I wrote down for myself would show up but not get accomplished. Has that ever happened to you? For example, I had a goal of getting back into sewing.  I sewed as a child but was by no means an expert. I liked the idea of whipping up some curtains or a decorative pillow like all DIY experts do with ease. Year after year I would write the goal on my list and never accomplish it. My goal fell victim to the Dip.

The dip is the phenomenon that occurs when you have a big goal (lets say run a marathon in 2016) that gets overwhelming early on so you just give up. So even though the gym is packed the first 3 weeks of January by Feb 15th half of those motivated atheletes have given up their workout and decided to stay home, hibernate and be a couch potato. The reason we tend to lose steam on our goals is they are so big they become overwhelming. So even though the goal may be a marathon to have success it is important to have sub goal to work towards the bigger goal and avoid letting the dip derail your plans.  So for the runner it might mean run 1 mile within the first month of creating the goal. When you meet the sub goal reward yourself. Do something kind for yourself and celebrate your accomplishment with an accountability partner. Then  keep working on your goal. So as we get into 2016 I’m excited to work on my goals this year. I may never be a seamstress (just an HGTV fan) but I do have a marathon under my belt and even met my husband’s goal to beat his marathon time!

There is Grace and Strength in Weakness

— by Petrea Huynh, MA, IMF Registered Intern #90087

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph. D, LMFT, Lic. #MFC 50129

---

My personal new years resolution is: "I will focus on my positive attributes, allowing them to grow. And I will be open and honest about my faults without granting them focus." Then later I came upon the bible passage: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 ESV)

There is grace and strength in weakness. Rather than shunning ourselves for our character defects and personal shortcomings, we might find our most profound experience of Grace when we allow ourselves access and self-knowledge to our own greatest struggles. God dwells there. This topic of the importance of self-knowledge in our spiritual journey was marinating in my mind when a close friend came to me, frustrated by the realization that she had made a similar new years resolution year after year, without achieving lasting victory over her perceived shortcoming. After dialoguing with her and praying on the importance of personal growth and the importance of fortitude (strength and conviction to change and to grow even in the face of perceived failure) I became very much convinced that it might often be necessary for us humans to have the same resolution year after year. We must admit what is hurting, what is dysfunctional, what is broken or damaging to others within ourselves and in our lives before we might hope to make real progress in changing ourselves. And such self-awareness (and cognitive growth), and subsequent tangible change might just take more than one year. The point of new years resolutions as a human being invested in spiritual growth is that we allow God in. And this is perhaps one of our most important tasks as human beings.